Consultant Wrangling – What Science Has Taught Us Thus Far

Millions of Species of bacteria, trees, animals, invertebrates etc. have been discovered, analysed, and studied by scientists. Many of these scientific endeavors have yielded staggering results, often shedding light on ways of thinking and biological processes never-before thought of. Science has shown itself to be resilient, reliable and accurate over and over again, so much so that children are being raised on the belief that scientists are the ones changing the world – and they are. Unfortunately, like most disciplines Science has its limitations. We still do not quite understand gravity for example – or why Consultants behave the way they do.


Your garden variety Consultant is someone who fills the room with their personality as they walk in – they are the energetic ones of the group, and they have to be – they can spend consecutive days on Skype speaking to anyone with a french ear for hours at a time! If you have ever worked with one then you know exactly what is being referred to here. After a few observations of my own I have come up with a scientific theory to attempt to explain the behavioral pattern of your average consultant. Have a look and think to yourself – is there anyone I am close to who is showing signs of becoming a Consultant?


1.) “Normal” Behavior

If your Consultant is behaving in any way what you would consider a normal human being to behave – be careful, but, enjoy it! This may be an ever-fleeting moment of peace and it is highly recommended that you relish and enjoy it (while it lasts). This does not necessarily mean that there is something wrong with your Consultant but rather that they have trailed off of their direction of thought e.g. Imagine the mental version of taking a puppy for a walk and they just happen to wander off – its not their fault.



2.) The “Break”

Usually following a period of “Normal” behavior, your Consultant could at any moment regain their perception of clarity and resume their boisterous personality projections – usually in the form of laughter. This can be harmless but this is the essential phase in which most of the severe Consultant cases can spiral out of control. We urge caution from this point forward..


3.) Light Exercise

The European Consultant, Eos Consultana Europa, a sub-species of the Great Spotted Consultant, Eis Consultana Libertus, evolved with strong ancestry rooted in both Bird-like and Amphibious animals. This could explain why after a Break, some Consultant would begin to flap their arms around in a fashion that would seem like an attempt to fly. Do not fear – this is not a genuine attempt and Consultant can not fly! This may just be an involuntary reflex sparked from something in their DNA left over from their ancestors. We postulate that this serves as a survival mechanism in which they prepare their muscles for fight or flight responses.


4.) Fixation on Lustrous Surfaces

A normal escalation that follows the aforementioned Break is what we think is a mixture of two things; an obsession with comparing the masses of two objects, and an obsession with shiny objects. This fixation on figuring out which of two objects is heavier stems from the complex social structures of the Consultants. Their society has deep roots in sharing meals and overall fair distribution of resources. This could be the method through which they decide who gets which half of the meal, or in this case – bottle.


5.) Trouble

Here is where we hope you pay attention, if your Consultant is seen getting upset after a break – take caution. They may very well use the power of Skype to persistently call you and threaten you. Do not take these threats lightly, these are not cobras that warn you before they strike. Your average Consultant can run at up to 73Km/h and leap as high as 3 floors. Add the fact that the bottoms of their paws are padded to make for silent movement while stalking prey and that they can see infrared light, these apex predators are not to be taken as anything less than that. Be careful out there!